I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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