11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
