You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
