So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
