I wish I could teleport
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
