Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
