How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
