i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
