When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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