I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
