I want to walk on stilts...naked
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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