I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just found puke in my bra..
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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