he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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