direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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