i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
