I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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