I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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