omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
