where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
