my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
