I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
