True but thats because hes a fetus.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she peed on how many people?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
