Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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