apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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