i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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