you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
