shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
