I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
