People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
