oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You smell like stripper and shame
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
