So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
