at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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