Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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