why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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