Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
