I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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