so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My breasts were aching with rage.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
