Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
