Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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