he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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