my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
