Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
