What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
