I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
