I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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