The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
