He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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