Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You are the jesus of drinking
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
