The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
There's even glitter on my cock...
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