I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
