you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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